(Minor spoilers for the book Daisy Jones & the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid are in this post. So if you want to read it, be aware of that).
This week, I have been reflecting on unconditional love.
Naturally, the Triduum brought this on, the time of year when we reflect on the great love of Christ. But a book I just read also brought this to my mind. It's called Daisy Jones & the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid.
Daisy Jones & the Six is a historical fiction about a rock band taking place in the 1970’s. There is much more depth to it than I expected and I would argue that it changed my life. It changed the way that I see unconditional love.
Through the story you follow the relationship of the lead singer, Billy Dunne, and his wife, Camila. They go through struggles in their marriage like crazy as Billy takes his work very seriously and struggles in the drug and party scene of the 70’s. Camila never once gives up on him.
Most people would say that Billy’s mistakes and actions are unforgivable. He cheats on his wife, he misses his oldest daughter’s birth, and so much more. And, as we learn as he gives his perspective, he does all this in an effort to push Camila away because he believes she deserves better than him. He does not think he’s good enough to be her husband or a father. Yet Camila always fought for him. She never let him run away. Every time Billy fell short she called him on to be better, she pushed him to grow in ways he never would have before.
Billy did some terrible things. Seriously awful. And yet Camila never gave up on him. Where most people would have left him and let him dig his own hole, she always chose him.
That’s how the Lord treats us. He chooses us. No matter what.
On Good Friday, at the hour of Mercy, I sat down to journal about the Crucifixion. I reflected on the unconditional love and mercy of Jesus as he gave his life for me even though I don’t deserve it. In fact, I actively push Him away, just like Billy pushed away Camila. And Jesus fights for me the way Camila fights for billy. He pursues a relationship with me even when I actively avoid one with him.
As I was reflecting on this I was thinking about how I have been shown this in my life. For a long time I struggled to find authentic friendship. Middle school was a whirlwind of friend drama at school and failed friendships. Then in high school I thought I found really authentic friends and then many of those fell off as well. I was left hurt and broken because I thought I would never find good friends who truly loved me.
I struggled to understand the love of God because anytime I made a mistake I lost my best friends.
In my mind, anyone who’d seen the worst parts of me up and left without a second thought.
Obviously, I had family. But family is different. It feels required to love family even when you don’t always get along. It’s not the same type of choice to love your parents and siblings as it is with friends. The option to leave is much more complicated in a family, so the love they showed me felt like it didn’t count. (And this is obviously untrue, but I still struggled to understand true unconditional love because of my perspective on this.)
But in college I joined a household. To put it simply, a household is a group of men or women committed to living a life of discipleship—a life with Christ—together. Each semester we sign a covenant that outlines how we will live. My household committed to living a life of Humility, Genuineness, and Unconditional Love… three virtues I struggle with most.
These three pillars of our households life are intertwined. You cannot have one without the other. So I did my best to understand and practice them. Though, I'm afraid it's taken a long time to really understand them.
My spring semester of my senior year, I got into a huge fight with my roommate. The details are unimportant, but my roommate and I didn’t speak to each other for a full week. I convinced myself that I had done nothing wrong and that I should not be the one to apologize. I pushed all the blame on her and allowed the very small issue to completely separate us.
I was sad and hurt and angry because in my mind when you stop talking that means the friendship is on it’s way out. That’s how it always was for me before. No matter if I tried to fix it or if I fought for it, the other person always gave up. I projected the hurt from those other friendships onto what was going on with my friend and me, I assumed reaching out was pointless because in the end she wouldn’t want to be my friend.
But, I realized that I needed to get over myself and reach out. We couldn’t avoid each other forever since we lived together.
So, I texted her and we made time to talk about what was going on and things were resolved. I expected things to be awkward and for things to not go back to normal. I expected that we might not talk much over the summer and that once I graduated that we would stop talking all together. I didn’t want this to happen, but it’s what had always happened before so I assumed that it would be the same.
It was not. My roommate continued to reach out over the summer and we continued to be friends through my last semester and when I graduated. And as I was sitting and praying on Good Friday I realized that she was the one friend I’d had who truly showed me real unconditional love. The one who had seen my absolute worst aimed at her, who had received actual frustration and unjust anger from me and still pursued an authentic relationship with me. And suddenly I saw Jesus in her. She became the truest example of Christ’s love in my life.
Unconditional love isn’t just the love you have for friends who always agree with you. It’s not just the love of a friend who forgives you when you accidentally say something stupid. It’s the friend who you are so upset with that you don’t speak to them for days and yet they’re ready to completely forgive you no matter what wrong you committed against them.
There were many ways I was undeserving of my friend's forgiveness. The amount of time I held onto my anger, the way that I had approached the situation, the length of time I held onto my pride, etc. But she still forgave me and wanted to continue to have a relationship with me. If that’s not the love of Jesus I don’t know what is.
The Lord loves us and fights for us not only in our best moments, nor only in our mediocre moments, but in our very worst moments. Our sins become his physical crucifixion and he still loves and redeems us. How wonderful is that?
My hope is that one day I can love the way my friend has loved me. I’m slowly learning how to do that and how to forgive the people who have hurt me the most and to love them even better, but I know with God’s grace I’ll get there eventually. For now, I will let the love of Christ penetrate my heart and as I grow in understanding of it I will learn to give in the same way.
To give to the point of being willing to be cut by other peoples sharp edges.
To give to the point of willing the best for the people who have caused the deepest wounds in my life.
To give the way Camila gave to Billy.
To give the way my friend has given to me.
Know of His great love for you, even when you cannot love yourself. He is there and He will never stop fighting for you. He will never leave you.
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