There seems to be something strangely poetic about having social anxiety but also being an extrovert.
Some might argue that I am an introvert because of this social anxiety that sometimes keeps me from going out, but I am convinced that I am an extrovert who suffers with social anxiety.
You see, it might take a lot for me to go out, especially if I will be required to meet new people. I think it stems from grade school when I loved to be around people and make new friends, but then so many people bullied me or were my friend and changed their mind and I felt so alone and rejected. It makes sense that someone who loves to be around people and gets energy from being social would then have a fear of it due to having a fear of rejection.
I find that my social anxiety really comes forward when I am going to be around people I don’t know. It helps to have the comfort of someone I do know around because I can meet people through them but if I have to start the conversation I get so afraid of rejection.
You would think it would be perfectly natural to converse with people and get to know them. I DO have friends and so that would imply that some part of me is likable and so I could easily make friends by allowing myself to just be who I am. But that’s the thing about a fear of rejection, you try to protect yourself by trying to be someone you’re not — for me this means I am afraid to joke around and ask questions to get to know people. I am afraid to approach anyone because I don’t want them to think I am weird. But I feel most energized when I DO interact with people, even just being in a setting with people around me who might not be interacting with me (i.e. a coffee shop) I feel more energized and productive than when I am alone in my room.
And yet, after moving to a new place where I barely know anyone, I find myself confined to my private spaces because I am afraid to go out and meet new people. But as a result I am constantly tired and I lack motivation to do much of anything other than distract myself from my loneliness with Netflix or a book or whatever.
This is so interesting to me because it’s my own mind going against my own interests. To be healthy I need social interaction, but my mind is so focused on self-preservation that I am willing to deprive myself of that. I let my fear control me at the expense of my mental health.
It’s so interesting to me how our brains do that. We are hurt by something and it’s natural that we would want to protect ourselves but why do our self-preservation strategies often end up doing MORE damage.
I feel alone because I don’t know anyone. I don’t want to be rejected by new people and so I stay in to protect myself from rejection but the result is that I am even more lonely. There seems to be no winning. Why do we do this to ourselves?
The simplest answer is that this is the human condition. But what does it mean that this is the human condition? Why would we be turned against ourselves like this.
I feel as though one answer to this is that we are selfish as a result of sin. We naturally seek after our own self interest, our own happiness. We want to benefit ourselves before others. Satan knows that this is our natural inclination and he makes this seem appealing to us. He convinces us that if we do this thing to preserve our feelings and our wellbeing, we will be happy. But we find ourselves, often, in a deeper pain that we were in before. The effect of our self-preservation strategy backfires and we are only hurt more and often we hurt those around us more.
That is because it is a lie that we need to protect ourselves. That’s not to say we won’t ever get hurt when we put ourselves out there. But I think something we need to consider is why do we feel this need to preserve ourselves? Is it because we are putting our worth in someone else’s opinion of us or we’re putting our worth in something we posses or something we do well or not so well? It is because we are putting our worth in finite things.
The lie is that we are only worth what the world determines we are worth.
I have put my worth in the opinions of other people for my whole life. Slowly, as I get to know the Lord and see myself in the way that He sees me, I am being freed from that. It’s a long process and it’s not easy. It requires putting myself out there and being hurt sometimes. It means taking the time to grow in humility and learning to laugh at the embarrassing moments and learning not to take myself so seriously. It means getting to know myself in a new way and taking a step back from what the world wants me to be.
It means learning who God wants me to be.
He has made each one of us for a purpose. He has called each person by name. In every moment of every day of your life he is molding you into the person he is calling you to be. That is where the truth lies. It is in Him.
And that truth is that you are worth what He says you are worth.
And to Him you are worth Everything.
He was willing to give up everything for you. He came down from heaven as a human baby and suffered the same things that everyone human does so that He could have an intimate relationship with you. He not only came down from heaven and dealt with every day human sufferings, but he allowed himself to be completely humiliated and suffer the worst death known to man so that you would know that He loves you.
The truth is that we cannot live up to the world’s impossible standards. We cannot become worthy of anything on our own strength. But the Lord does not ask that of us. All He asks is that we give ourselves completely to Him so that HE can make us worthy.
He knows we won’t add up on our own. He knows that we will fall and have to try again. He knows it is impossible for us to prove our worth.
But He chooses us anyway.
And when we can see ourselves in that light, when we can see ourselves through the Lord’s gaze of abundant love and mercy, we cease to feel the need to satisfy the world because we can rest in knowing that He is satisfied when we choose Him.
A simple, “yes” is all he wants of us.
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